Some people are natural leaders. I am not one of those people.
Every time I’ve had to be the one to run an event or take charge I would get sick from the stress.
The stress was caused from my own self-doubt and worry that I wasn’t good enough. I felt I wasn’t cut out to be the one to carry the whole project or event.
I worried that I would screw up and people wouldn’t like me and I would be seen as weak or incompetent.
And then there’s the details; things that had deadlines and I hated having so much stuff in my head. It seemed like there were always pieces of the puzzle I didn’t see or get so I would fret about it.
And I also didn’t trust other people to do it the way I thought it should be done.
However, I wanted to make a difference and I loved the teaching part.
I am a natural teacher.
This went on for 20 years because, even though I had these issues, I was also a true visionary and new ideas and impulses would float into my brain from the visionary cloud. I could see what needed to be done and I could picture the end result. I was excited about the concept!
So I was thrust into that leadership role over and over. I struggled, got sick, lost sleep and wanted to get into my VW bus and go off on a rode trip, go to the mountains, anything but having to make all of this stuff happen and to be the one who was in charge!
The problem was that I was excited to initiate the project but then when it got hard I wanted to quit. Details and organization are not my strength so I would look in the mirror and ask myself how I ended up in this place of managing and leading yet again!
This went on until the penny dropped and I decided to write my real book. While I was writing it I discovered who I am. I became the more evolved version of myself that I was helping others to become.
This is often how it works. You end up teaching others to do what you need to do yourself.
My more recent event, the Wiser and Wilder Fire Circle, aka my soft book launch, was another test of my ability to lead.
At first I had a tantrum and proclaimed that I didn’t know how to do this but then I realized what had happened. I had downloaded self-doubt into my brain before the vision. I was sure I had no idea how to do this and kept asking for people to show me the template I could follow.
It was ironic because the whole message in my book is about not following someone else’s blueprint. It’s about accessing your Wise and Wild Woman and invite her as your partner.
So, I needed to get the broom and sweep the self-doubts out of my brain and design an event that was mine totally.
I created my own template and it felt aligned. From that place it got easier and more pieces emerged. I had to trust myself and my ability to tap in.
Then I freaked out again when it came to the organization and creating a linear calendar. My natural way is very right brain and I don’t think in spread sheets. I think in circles and spirals. I wondered if it was possible to be a real leader if I was so right brain?
As it turned out, the entire event has been a success beyond my original vision. Here are some of the things I learned:
1. I can trust myself and I do know what works in my world
2. My way is is not only valid but it offers engagement and connection way beyond what anyone else was doing
3. Right brain people can be great leaders. They actually must lead their project because no one else sees the whole vision
4. A real leader hires people to do the parts they aren’t good at or don’t like doing. I had an awesome team and my left brain assistant kept track of everything for me. And on the first call when she didn’t show up because her computer crashed, I still was ok
5. People really need the teachings I am offering and by leading a large event, I can touch way more people
6. I have skills I didn’t know I had ( so you do you)
So now I know I can do this and if I did it again I will float through it.
But now it’s time for my natural teacher to have the stage. It’s the icing on the cake for me after walking through the fire. My reward!
What could be more amazing then spending the weekend at the Oregon coast with a group of Wise and Wild Women? “Nothing!”
I know you can do a lot by yourself in growing your business, but it’s so much more fun to share with a group of Wild Women and on the beach around a fire. Women, need to be witnessed by other women!
I have just scheduled this weekend retreat and it will be October 13-16 on the Oregon Coast. I don’t have the details yet, but contact me and let me know if you visualize yourself being with us there.
And you can order your book now! Wiser and Wilder, A Soulful Journey for Visionary Women Entrepreneurs. See you around the fire.